That's all I have to say about that....

Big fat negative......I think that's pretty self explanatory.

So since I cannot control when I get pregnant...I can at least control my weight and being OP.  I'm going to be the best little WWer there is this week.  I ran 4 miles today and burned 602 calories.  I came home and had a healthy lunch of turkey sausage and lots of sauteed veggies.  I'm making EB taco cupcakes for dinner.  THAT I can control and hopefully will help the control freak in me from going into a tailspin. 

But I'm getting wine drunk tonight..it's happening.  I just got back from the liquor store with a fabulous bottle of pink moscato.  That's what activity points and weekly points are for. 

My plans for the evening
 

Time for that next step?

I've been thinking tonight....never a good thing when Michael is at the 2nd job and I'm home alone.  I've sat my happy ass on the couch, watched Catfish the TV show on the DVR (love it), and then just sat and did some thinking. 

I've been reading a lot of my friend's blog.  I would reference it here but I don't have her permission yet.  She's struggling with TTC and has been on a very painful journey.  She's been to countless doctors appts, been poked and prodded like crazy and is staying very strong and hopeful throughout the whole thing.  I think she's been ttc for 11 cycles.  She mentioned to me the other day that she started seeing an RE after 6 cycles and she's really glad she did.  She was glad to know early on that they were going to have struggles and could dive on it with tackling them. 

Well...... we've been TTC baby S for 6 cycles now....should we start taking the next steps??? The thought is terrifying to me.  The "general rule" is to see your doctor after you've been trying for a year with no success.  But do I really want to wait a year just to find out something is wrong with one or both of us?  If there is I would rather know now.  The thought of facing it really scares me.  Plus the fact that I just don't think we can afford it now plus the fact that Michael is really stuck on the "waiting a year" part.  So there's that.  I sometimes wish he would get as bothered about all this like I do.  He just says "it'll happen when it's supposed to, when it's meant to be."  Sometimes that infuriates me.  Doesn't he want to know if something is wrong??  Doesn't he want to do all that we can do to have a baby?? 

What that big giant run on sentence of a paragraph pretty much sums up is that I'm frustrated and sad about this whole process. It wasn't supposed to be like this.  I was supposed to one of those girls that got pregnant right off the pill and it was just so easy breezy....all the pregnancy announcements and new baby pictures on Facebook just about have me to my breaking point.  I'm just fed up tonight.

Fall, Texas style

This is December?!  I went on a 4 mile run today followed by a 1.5 mile walk with Max.  The weather is absolutely gorgeous, a wonderful 77 degrees.


A street on my running route

Max really enjoyed his puppy walk

 



Miss Bella, what a princess perched on my pillow

Total subject shift

Well it's official.  I fail as a blogger.  It's really been since August that I posted a new one?!  Geez.  I refuse to let this blog be something that I started and quit, so here's to Christmas resolutions and keeping this thang updated. 

Well my half marathon came and went on 10/7.  I thought it went really good.  I finished, I didn't die or pass out, so there's some wins.  My official time was 2:54:51.  I wanted to finish in under 3 hours and I did.  I did about 75% of it running.  Buuuut am I ever going to do another one?  Probably not.  I really think I'm more suited for 5ks and 10ks.  The race itself was fun but I absolutely hated the training. I didn't like feeling totally useless and like shit the rest of the day after a long run.  I like that I can do a 5k and still be a human the rest of the day.  Work is covering the entry fee for another half marathon April 2013 but I really think I'm going to pass. 

I'm more or less maintaining my weight.  I weighed in at 159.6 this morning.  Now I see that's 2 or 3 lbs higher than it was when I started this blog...whoops.  I don't really want to stay at this weight, knocking on 160's door.  I much preferred staying between 156-158.  But I mean honestly I've been a bad WWer for about the past 2 months...ever since my half marathon actually.  I really do think that I started eating more training for the half since I was burning so many calories....and I never stopped eating so much.  What I used to eat prior to the half training doesn't satisfy me anymore.  It's almost like I'm starting WW over again...with that feeling of being a little bit hungry all the time.  Sucks. November was also a super busy month with activities of course focused around eating.  I didn't track at all for like 3 weeks.  But I slowly feel like I'm getting back in the saddle and getting control of myself again.  We officially don't have anything going on until Christmas so I have a good 4 weeks to get back in check.  I'm still running 3 days a week, 2.5 to 4 miles at a time.  Now I just need to start back up my strength training.

                                                      Tyler Rose Half Marathon 10.7.2012-

Ok now to the topic I've been veeerrryyy apprehensive talking about.  The hubs and I are TTC (trying to conceive.)  We actually started trying right after my birthday in July.  It's been an interesting journey to say the least....I was so naive when we started this process.  I honestly just assumed I'd be pregnant in a month or 2.  Now here it is, December, and nada.  I've met a fabulous group of girls from the WW boards and we've started a TTC daily email.  We've became great friends through this process of up and downs. That's definitely what it is, an emotional roller coaster.  When I start my period each month, it brings out a new side of crazy that I've never seen in me before.  It doesn't fit well with my Type A personality that this is something I have absolutely zero control over and it's something I can't MAKE happen.  I just can't wrap my head around the fact that we do everything right each month and still no dice.....and that's what makes me a little crazypants.  That and the fact that with each month that passes I'm more and more convinced that something is wrong with one or both of us.  I just feel like my body is failing me sometimes and I don't understand.  I'm in the best shape I've ever been in, I'm healthy and at a healthy weight, what gives????  I try so hard to be happy for pregnant girls but the jealousy is always lingering waiting to rear it's ugly head.  This side of me I don't like at all....the one that says "why her? She wasn't even trying to get pregnant."  So I'm thinking my blog is going to have a total subject shift....I'm still going to focus on being healthy, running, and maintaining my weight but I'm going to be throwing in my TTC struggles too.

Blah, blah, blah

It's been almost a month since I've written anything...mainly because I've been pretty boring here lately.  My weight has gone back and forth between 156 and 157 lbs, so that's a little victory I've had!  I've found that I have a little more freedom with what I eat, and I can eat a little more as long as I don't go on a hellacious bender. I've had my bad days and plenty of splurge meals but nothing that has made me pack on the pounds.

I attribute some of that to the fact that I'm still running and still training for the half marathon on 10/7.  I've started getting into the higher mileage long runs and it's really hard.  I struggled through 8 miles last Saturday and almost felt sick the rest of the day because of it.  Since my training schedule had a "10k race" on deck for me this Saturday (I guess ole Hal Higdon didn't know I live in the sticks and races don't come around very often, oh and that we're broke) I decided to repeat 8 miles again.  I also decided I needed a change of scenery so I decided to go to Rose Rudman to run.  Well in true Kristi fashion, I overslept and didn't head to the park until about 9:30am.  A combination of the heat, humidity, and the fact I could only find 1 water fountain really got to me.  I trudged through 4.5 miles before I was just absolutely done.  I felt light headed and was gasping for air.  So I headed home feeling like a failure.  I made myself feel super guilty the rest of the day....until I finally sucked it up and finished the other 3.5 miles in a run around the Brook.  So yay-I did my 8 miles....in a roundabout way.  Then I rewarded my total 1185 cals/14 APs earned with 3 slices of pizza from Papa Murphy's and I don't even feel bad about it.

I've been feeling really blah and having myself pity parties on the weekends because of the fact that I don't really have anybody to hang out with her.  My good friends are spread all over Texas but none that I can just call up and say "hey let's hang out today."  I tried to join a Meetup group but that fizzled out pretty quick.  Honestly..I need a hobby.  I guess you could say running IS my hobby but I need something to do AFTER I've run on Saturday morning and I just can't watch anymore TV....something that doesn't cost a lot of money.  Some folks at work have started having group runs to prepare for the half so maybe I will join some of them.  Also, the Women's Leadership Forum group I was accepted to meets for the first time on Wed, so hopefully I will meet some friends there.  I dunno...just this weekend and last weekend I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.

Pics or it didn't happen....my cals burned from my 8 miles last Saturday.

Just what I needed

Until about 10 minutes ago, I had been having one of those "I don't really care what I eat" weeks.  I had food, fun, alcohol and sweets this past weekend at my mother's house and used all my weekly points in 2 days.  I got back home and attempted to stay OP for the rest of the week...but I brought those damn cupcakes home with me.  As the week went on I couldn't stay out of them, having 1 per night (or 2 last night.) Then at work I couldn't keep my hand out of the Cheez It box.  I had brisket tacos for dinner tonight. 
I still did my scheduled training runs on Sat, Tues and Thurs.  But I know I lied to myself about the amount of snacking and grazing I did. So I ended up gaining 1.4 this week.  I know a lot of it has to do with another factor in my life that I just don't want to blog about yet...but it's also my mindless eating.

But tonight I started reading a Weight Watchers friend's blog.  She's a wonderful woman that I talk with on the message boards on a daily basis.  She's such a great writer too...her blogs are quite articulate, not just word vomit like mine are.  But she touched on a subject that has been on my mind this week.  WHEN will food just be food to me?  I think way too much about food.  What I'm cooking for dinner, ooh this looks good, do I have the points do eat this after dinner, etc.?  It's exhausting! Why can't I just eat and not obsess about it?  Not have to plan every single thing I put in my mouth because of the fear that 60 lbs is going to come rushing back at me. 

I know my relationship with food is a little effed up.  I can't seem to comprehend that one bad meal or even weekend will not bring back on the 60 lbs I've lost.  I just want to eat a meal, and it be just that- a meal.  Nothing else. 

But then I start thinking about everything I've accomplished.  I'll be totally honest..when I started my WLJ a huge part of it was I wanted to look and feel attractive again.  But now it's almost become pushing myself to accomplish new things, things I never thought I'd do before.  Nothing major...as simple as cooking zucchini strips as "pasta" or as physically challenging as training for and running my half marathon in Oct.  Then eventually doing more halfs and at some point in my life, possibly a full marathon?

So I realized that sometimes a piece of cake at a family birthday is going to be more important that a small gain on the scale...but now I have the tools to not let that define me.    Life happens....but I'm never going back to where I was.

                           Michael and I on our honeymoon in Grand Cayman in 2009

                           Christmas 2011 at Michael's Nana's house

baking for the lazy girl

Weigh in: 156.4


Whew...TGIF, seriously.  This week has seemed super long. No real reason, I've just been looking forward to relaxing this weekend. 


I've been doing my scheduled training runs on Tues, Thurs, and Sat.  I've been doing my long runs on Tues afternoons but I'm going to TRY to get up early in the morning and change to Saturdays.  Once I get to 8 or 9 miles, am I really going to want to be doing that on a weeknight?! I feel like I don't have enough time then anyway.  If I'm going to be serious about this training thing, I have GOT to get my butt out of bed before 9am.  It's already unbearably hot and sticky, nasty humid in my fair East Texas by then.  Last Saturday I barely made it 3.5 miles before I felt light headed.  Too hot and I hadn't eaten anything.  I'm trying a different approach tomorrow.  Maybe if I put it out there, I'll actually get up and do it.


Tomorrow is my mom's birthday.  After I do my run Max and I are loading up and heading to Athens.  It's always a good time at mom's with lots of yummy food, drinks, and conversation.  I'm not sure how but it just seems so much more relaxing there than here.  Anyway, I decided to make some cupcakes for the occasion.  I've never really been that much of a baker.  I could say that I'm bad at it but the truth is I'm just lazy! I don't like to be in the kitchen for 3 hours making a dessert.  But I may have found the perfect thing for me...the 2 ingredient cake.  I've tried many different combinations, some better than others.  It's become my "thing" at work when we have birthday snacks.  Here's some of my creations:


 Angel food cake mix and light cherry pie filling=yum.  Several of my co-workers have remade this. 


Devils food cake mix and greek yogurt= eh.  It was okay, I don't think this was anybody's favorite. 


Spice cak mix+pumpkin pie filling= another win.  Perfect for fall


Strawberry cake mix+ 1 can diet cherry 7up + 2 egg whites= great summertime cake.  I paired this with Skinnytaste's light cream cheese frosting and it was a hit, I didn't bring any leftovers home. 


But my new fav is funfetti cake mix+  1 can diet cherry 7up+2 egg whites.  Obviously I have extra diet cherry 7 up around the house.  Unless I'm pairing it with vodka, I don't really drink it.   Who doesn't love funfetti?!  It reminds me of when I was a kid and would buy funfetti icing and eat it straight from the container.  (Reason #87564 that I'm on WW).  If I can have a lighter version of this fun little cake I'm all for it.  I decided to make these for the birthday festivities tomorrow and once again used the Skinnytaste light cream cheese frosting.  Pretty it up with some colored sugar and voila! Lazy girl baking at it's finest.

I might have already eaten 2 tonight........