It's been almost a month since I've written anything...mainly because I've been pretty boring here lately. My weight has gone back and forth between 156 and 157 lbs, so that's a little victory I've had! I've found that I have a little more freedom with what I eat, and I can eat a little more as long as I don't go on a hellacious bender. I've had my bad days and plenty of splurge meals but nothing that has made me pack on the pounds.
I attribute some of that to the fact that I'm still running and still training for the half marathon on 10/7. I've started getting into the higher mileage long runs and it's really hard. I struggled through 8 miles last Saturday and almost felt sick the rest of the day because of it. Since my training schedule had a "10k race" on deck for me this Saturday (I guess ole Hal Higdon didn't know I live in the sticks and races don't come around very often, oh and that we're broke) I decided to repeat 8 miles again. I also decided I needed a change of scenery so I decided to go to Rose Rudman to run. Well in true Kristi fashion, I overslept and didn't head to the park until about 9:30am. A combination of the heat, humidity, and the fact I could only find 1 water fountain really got to me. I trudged through 4.5 miles before I was just absolutely done. I felt light headed and was gasping for air. So I headed home feeling like a failure. I made myself feel super guilty the rest of the day....until I finally sucked it up and finished the other 3.5 miles in a run around the Brook. So yay-I did my 8 miles....in a roundabout way. Then I rewarded my total 1185 cals/14 APs earned with 3 slices of pizza from Papa Murphy's and I don't even feel bad about it.
I've been feeling really blah and having myself pity parties on the weekends because of the fact that I don't really have anybody to hang out with her. My good friends are spread all over Texas but none that I can just call up and say "hey let's hang out today." I tried to join a Meetup group but that fizzled out pretty quick. Honestly..I need a hobby. I guess you could say running IS my hobby but I need something to do AFTER I've run on Saturday morning and I just can't watch anymore TV....something that doesn't cost a lot of money. Some folks at work have started having group runs to prepare for the half so maybe I will join some of them. Also, the Women's Leadership Forum group I was accepted to meets for the first time on Wed, so hopefully I will meet some friends there. I dunno...just this weekend and last weekend I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.
Pics or it didn't happen....my cals burned from my 8 miles last Saturday.
Until about 10 minutes ago, I had been having one of those "I don't really care what I eat" weeks. I had food, fun, alcohol and sweets this past weekend at my mother's house and used all my weekly points in 2 days. I got back home and attempted to stay OP for the rest of the week...but I brought those damn cupcakes home with me. As the week went on I couldn't stay out of them, having 1 per night (or 2 last night.) Then at work I couldn't keep my hand out of the Cheez It box. I had brisket tacos for dinner tonight.
I still did my scheduled training runs on Sat, Tues and Thurs. But I know I lied to myself about the amount of snacking and grazing I did. So I ended up gaining 1.4 this week. I know a lot of it has to do with another factor in my life that I just don't want to blog about yet...but it's also my mindless eating.
But tonight I started reading a Weight Watchers friend's blog. She's a wonderful woman that I talk with on the message boards on a daily basis. She's such a great writer too...her blogs are quite articulate, not just word vomit like mine are. But she touched on a subject that has been on my mind this week. WHEN will food just be food to me? I think way too much about food. What I'm cooking for dinner, ooh this looks good, do I have the points do eat this after dinner, etc.? It's exhausting! Why can't I just eat and not obsess about it? Not have to plan every single thing I put in my mouth because of the fear that 60 lbs is going to come rushing back at me.
I know my relationship with food is a little effed up. I can't seem to comprehend that one bad meal or even weekend will not bring back on the 60 lbs I've lost. I just want to eat a meal, and it be just that- a meal. Nothing else.
But then I start thinking about everything I've accomplished. I'll be totally honest..when I started my WLJ a huge part of it was I wanted to look and feel attractive again. But now it's almost become pushing myself to accomplish new things, things I never thought I'd do before. Nothing major...as simple as cooking zucchini strips as "pasta" or as physically challenging as training for and running my half marathon in Oct. Then eventually doing more halfs and at some point in my life, possibly a full marathon?
So I realized that sometimes a piece of cake at a family birthday is going to be more important that a small gain on the scale...but now I have the tools to not let that define me. Life happens....but I'm never going back to where I was.
Michael and I on our honeymoon in Grand Cayman in 2009
Christmas 2011 at Michael's Nana's house
