Learning to love the old me

Weigh in: 159.4   -2.4 lbs from last week

Okay I'm over my woe is me mood from last week! I think it was just because I was sick and other "womanly" factors getting to me.  Plus I'm back on the losing track and running my longest distances yet.  Tuesday I ran my first 5k without having to stop and walk.  Yesterday I had to stop and walk a few times, for only about a minute each, but I ran my longest distance yet- about 3.5 miles.  We'll see how I do tomorrow...I'm just NOT a morning runner.  My endurance seems to at its best in the afternoons.

So we got into a good discussion today with my boardie friends on the Relationship thread.  We were talking about compulsive eating habits, binges, and hiding or sneaking food.  It got me thinking about my past and current food behaviors.  I never really struggled with my weight growing up or in high school.  Like most high school girls, I was convinced I was fat when I really wasn't.  In fact my high school weight ended up being my WW goal weight.  I was very active in high school- playing volleyball and basketball and running track.  I was active enough that I could eat whatever I wanted.  Once I got into college the scale slowly started to creep up year by year.  I was working on my feet all day at the grocery store (shout out 4th and Slide!) so I really think that kept me from gaining fast.  Because it sure wasn't my eating or drinking habits!  I was drinking at least 5 nights and week and most of those nights would end with a trip to the Whataburger drive thru, or a 3am run to IHOP, or to get a burrito at Josie's.  By my senior year...I was starting to notice and it was starting to bug me.  But in a purely superficial way of course.  Why wouldn't the guys at the bar hit on me?? Why do they talk to my friends and buy them drinks but act like I'm not here? This shouldn't have mattered because they weren't exactly quality guys anyway but it bothered me.  I remember getting Taco Bell for lunch pretty frequently and bringing it back home.  It would irritate me so much if my male roommates were home and sitting on the couch when I got back with my nachos bell grande and 2 gorditas.  I didn't want them to see me with so much food...like they even cared.

Then I graduated in 2006, dated a guy for a year....one big hot mess later I was back in Dallas working at my first real live desk job.  With my ass firmly planted in a chair for 8 hours a day my weight shot up like crazy.  Michael and I started dating at the end of 2007 and then of course I put on my "comfortable" weight.  I was at my highest weight at our wedding.  I try not to look back at wedding photos and be ashamed...it was a great day! It was an amazing day filled with family, friends, and love.  But I can't help but see in my eyes that I didn't feel as beautiful as a bride should on her wedding day.  I really do have the most amazing husband...the woman I am in his eyes has never changed, no matter what weight I am.

  I honestly think my rock bottom was going to the doctor in April of last year and her telling me I was overweight. I was 219lbs then and I knew I was..but nobody ELSE had ever said it to me. I always got the "yeah but you're so tall". It felt like a swift kick in the ass to have another person tell me to my face that I needed to lose.  

So I did....lose 60 lbs.  I wish that I could embrace the bigger me and I really am trying.  She's still Kristi....still has the same eyes, nose, laugh, sense of humor.  But at the same time I couldn't wait to get rid of her..and I'm afraid of going back to her.  I know she's still in there and I struggle to keep her contained.