That's all I have to say about that....

Big fat negative......I think that's pretty self explanatory.

So since I cannot control when I get pregnant...I can at least control my weight and being OP.  I'm going to be the best little WWer there is this week.  I ran 4 miles today and burned 602 calories.  I came home and had a healthy lunch of turkey sausage and lots of sauteed veggies.  I'm making EB taco cupcakes for dinner.  THAT I can control and hopefully will help the control freak in me from going into a tailspin. 

But I'm getting wine drunk tonight..it's happening.  I just got back from the liquor store with a fabulous bottle of pink moscato.  That's what activity points and weekly points are for. 

My plans for the evening
 

Time for that next step?

I've been thinking tonight....never a good thing when Michael is at the 2nd job and I'm home alone.  I've sat my happy ass on the couch, watched Catfish the TV show on the DVR (love it), and then just sat and did some thinking. 

I've been reading a lot of my friend's blog.  I would reference it here but I don't have her permission yet.  She's struggling with TTC and has been on a very painful journey.  She's been to countless doctors appts, been poked and prodded like crazy and is staying very strong and hopeful throughout the whole thing.  I think she's been ttc for 11 cycles.  She mentioned to me the other day that she started seeing an RE after 6 cycles and she's really glad she did.  She was glad to know early on that they were going to have struggles and could dive on it with tackling them. 

Well...... we've been TTC baby S for 6 cycles now....should we start taking the next steps??? The thought is terrifying to me.  The "general rule" is to see your doctor after you've been trying for a year with no success.  But do I really want to wait a year just to find out something is wrong with one or both of us?  If there is I would rather know now.  The thought of facing it really scares me.  Plus the fact that I just don't think we can afford it now plus the fact that Michael is really stuck on the "waiting a year" part.  So there's that.  I sometimes wish he would get as bothered about all this like I do.  He just says "it'll happen when it's supposed to, when it's meant to be."  Sometimes that infuriates me.  Doesn't he want to know if something is wrong??  Doesn't he want to do all that we can do to have a baby?? 

What that big giant run on sentence of a paragraph pretty much sums up is that I'm frustrated and sad about this whole process. It wasn't supposed to be like this.  I was supposed to one of those girls that got pregnant right off the pill and it was just so easy breezy....all the pregnancy announcements and new baby pictures on Facebook just about have me to my breaking point.  I'm just fed up tonight.

Fall, Texas style

This is December?!  I went on a 4 mile run today followed by a 1.5 mile walk with Max.  The weather is absolutely gorgeous, a wonderful 77 degrees.


A street on my running route

Max really enjoyed his puppy walk

 



Miss Bella, what a princess perched on my pillow

Total subject shift

Well it's official.  I fail as a blogger.  It's really been since August that I posted a new one?!  Geez.  I refuse to let this blog be something that I started and quit, so here's to Christmas resolutions and keeping this thang updated. 

Well my half marathon came and went on 10/7.  I thought it went really good.  I finished, I didn't die or pass out, so there's some wins.  My official time was 2:54:51.  I wanted to finish in under 3 hours and I did.  I did about 75% of it running.  Buuuut am I ever going to do another one?  Probably not.  I really think I'm more suited for 5ks and 10ks.  The race itself was fun but I absolutely hated the training. I didn't like feeling totally useless and like shit the rest of the day after a long run.  I like that I can do a 5k and still be a human the rest of the day.  Work is covering the entry fee for another half marathon April 2013 but I really think I'm going to pass. 

I'm more or less maintaining my weight.  I weighed in at 159.6 this morning.  Now I see that's 2 or 3 lbs higher than it was when I started this blog...whoops.  I don't really want to stay at this weight, knocking on 160's door.  I much preferred staying between 156-158.  But I mean honestly I've been a bad WWer for about the past 2 months...ever since my half marathon actually.  I really do think that I started eating more training for the half since I was burning so many calories....and I never stopped eating so much.  What I used to eat prior to the half training doesn't satisfy me anymore.  It's almost like I'm starting WW over again...with that feeling of being a little bit hungry all the time.  Sucks. November was also a super busy month with activities of course focused around eating.  I didn't track at all for like 3 weeks.  But I slowly feel like I'm getting back in the saddle and getting control of myself again.  We officially don't have anything going on until Christmas so I have a good 4 weeks to get back in check.  I'm still running 3 days a week, 2.5 to 4 miles at a time.  Now I just need to start back up my strength training.

                                                      Tyler Rose Half Marathon 10.7.2012-

Ok now to the topic I've been veeerrryyy apprehensive talking about.  The hubs and I are TTC (trying to conceive.)  We actually started trying right after my birthday in July.  It's been an interesting journey to say the least....I was so naive when we started this process.  I honestly just assumed I'd be pregnant in a month or 2.  Now here it is, December, and nada.  I've met a fabulous group of girls from the WW boards and we've started a TTC daily email.  We've became great friends through this process of up and downs. That's definitely what it is, an emotional roller coaster.  When I start my period each month, it brings out a new side of crazy that I've never seen in me before.  It doesn't fit well with my Type A personality that this is something I have absolutely zero control over and it's something I can't MAKE happen.  I just can't wrap my head around the fact that we do everything right each month and still no dice.....and that's what makes me a little crazypants.  That and the fact that with each month that passes I'm more and more convinced that something is wrong with one or both of us.  I just feel like my body is failing me sometimes and I don't understand.  I'm in the best shape I've ever been in, I'm healthy and at a healthy weight, what gives????  I try so hard to be happy for pregnant girls but the jealousy is always lingering waiting to rear it's ugly head.  This side of me I don't like at all....the one that says "why her? She wasn't even trying to get pregnant."  So I'm thinking my blog is going to have a total subject shift....I'm still going to focus on being healthy, running, and maintaining my weight but I'm going to be throwing in my TTC struggles too.

Blah, blah, blah

It's been almost a month since I've written anything...mainly because I've been pretty boring here lately.  My weight has gone back and forth between 156 and 157 lbs, so that's a little victory I've had!  I've found that I have a little more freedom with what I eat, and I can eat a little more as long as I don't go on a hellacious bender. I've had my bad days and plenty of splurge meals but nothing that has made me pack on the pounds.

I attribute some of that to the fact that I'm still running and still training for the half marathon on 10/7.  I've started getting into the higher mileage long runs and it's really hard.  I struggled through 8 miles last Saturday and almost felt sick the rest of the day because of it.  Since my training schedule had a "10k race" on deck for me this Saturday (I guess ole Hal Higdon didn't know I live in the sticks and races don't come around very often, oh and that we're broke) I decided to repeat 8 miles again.  I also decided I needed a change of scenery so I decided to go to Rose Rudman to run.  Well in true Kristi fashion, I overslept and didn't head to the park until about 9:30am.  A combination of the heat, humidity, and the fact I could only find 1 water fountain really got to me.  I trudged through 4.5 miles before I was just absolutely done.  I felt light headed and was gasping for air.  So I headed home feeling like a failure.  I made myself feel super guilty the rest of the day....until I finally sucked it up and finished the other 3.5 miles in a run around the Brook.  So yay-I did my 8 miles....in a roundabout way.  Then I rewarded my total 1185 cals/14 APs earned with 3 slices of pizza from Papa Murphy's and I don't even feel bad about it.

I've been feeling really blah and having myself pity parties on the weekends because of the fact that I don't really have anybody to hang out with her.  My good friends are spread all over Texas but none that I can just call up and say "hey let's hang out today."  I tried to join a Meetup group but that fizzled out pretty quick.  Honestly..I need a hobby.  I guess you could say running IS my hobby but I need something to do AFTER I've run on Saturday morning and I just can't watch anymore TV....something that doesn't cost a lot of money.  Some folks at work have started having group runs to prepare for the half so maybe I will join some of them.  Also, the Women's Leadership Forum group I was accepted to meets for the first time on Wed, so hopefully I will meet some friends there.  I dunno...just this weekend and last weekend I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.

Pics or it didn't happen....my cals burned from my 8 miles last Saturday.

Just what I needed

Until about 10 minutes ago, I had been having one of those "I don't really care what I eat" weeks.  I had food, fun, alcohol and sweets this past weekend at my mother's house and used all my weekly points in 2 days.  I got back home and attempted to stay OP for the rest of the week...but I brought those damn cupcakes home with me.  As the week went on I couldn't stay out of them, having 1 per night (or 2 last night.) Then at work I couldn't keep my hand out of the Cheez It box.  I had brisket tacos for dinner tonight. 
I still did my scheduled training runs on Sat, Tues and Thurs.  But I know I lied to myself about the amount of snacking and grazing I did. So I ended up gaining 1.4 this week.  I know a lot of it has to do with another factor in my life that I just don't want to blog about yet...but it's also my mindless eating.

But tonight I started reading a Weight Watchers friend's blog.  She's a wonderful woman that I talk with on the message boards on a daily basis.  She's such a great writer too...her blogs are quite articulate, not just word vomit like mine are.  But she touched on a subject that has been on my mind this week.  WHEN will food just be food to me?  I think way too much about food.  What I'm cooking for dinner, ooh this looks good, do I have the points do eat this after dinner, etc.?  It's exhausting! Why can't I just eat and not obsess about it?  Not have to plan every single thing I put in my mouth because of the fear that 60 lbs is going to come rushing back at me. 

I know my relationship with food is a little effed up.  I can't seem to comprehend that one bad meal or even weekend will not bring back on the 60 lbs I've lost.  I just want to eat a meal, and it be just that- a meal.  Nothing else. 

But then I start thinking about everything I've accomplished.  I'll be totally honest..when I started my WLJ a huge part of it was I wanted to look and feel attractive again.  But now it's almost become pushing myself to accomplish new things, things I never thought I'd do before.  Nothing major...as simple as cooking zucchini strips as "pasta" or as physically challenging as training for and running my half marathon in Oct.  Then eventually doing more halfs and at some point in my life, possibly a full marathon?

So I realized that sometimes a piece of cake at a family birthday is going to be more important that a small gain on the scale...but now I have the tools to not let that define me.    Life happens....but I'm never going back to where I was.

                           Michael and I on our honeymoon in Grand Cayman in 2009

                           Christmas 2011 at Michael's Nana's house

baking for the lazy girl

Weigh in: 156.4


Whew...TGIF, seriously.  This week has seemed super long. No real reason, I've just been looking forward to relaxing this weekend. 


I've been doing my scheduled training runs on Tues, Thurs, and Sat.  I've been doing my long runs on Tues afternoons but I'm going to TRY to get up early in the morning and change to Saturdays.  Once I get to 8 or 9 miles, am I really going to want to be doing that on a weeknight?! I feel like I don't have enough time then anyway.  If I'm going to be serious about this training thing, I have GOT to get my butt out of bed before 9am.  It's already unbearably hot and sticky, nasty humid in my fair East Texas by then.  Last Saturday I barely made it 3.5 miles before I felt light headed.  Too hot and I hadn't eaten anything.  I'm trying a different approach tomorrow.  Maybe if I put it out there, I'll actually get up and do it.


Tomorrow is my mom's birthday.  After I do my run Max and I are loading up and heading to Athens.  It's always a good time at mom's with lots of yummy food, drinks, and conversation.  I'm not sure how but it just seems so much more relaxing there than here.  Anyway, I decided to make some cupcakes for the occasion.  I've never really been that much of a baker.  I could say that I'm bad at it but the truth is I'm just lazy! I don't like to be in the kitchen for 3 hours making a dessert.  But I may have found the perfect thing for me...the 2 ingredient cake.  I've tried many different combinations, some better than others.  It's become my "thing" at work when we have birthday snacks.  Here's some of my creations:


 Angel food cake mix and light cherry pie filling=yum.  Several of my co-workers have remade this. 


Devils food cake mix and greek yogurt= eh.  It was okay, I don't think this was anybody's favorite. 


Spice cak mix+pumpkin pie filling= another win.  Perfect for fall


Strawberry cake mix+ 1 can diet cherry 7up + 2 egg whites= great summertime cake.  I paired this with Skinnytaste's light cream cheese frosting and it was a hit, I didn't bring any leftovers home. 


But my new fav is funfetti cake mix+  1 can diet cherry 7up+2 egg whites.  Obviously I have extra diet cherry 7 up around the house.  Unless I'm pairing it with vodka, I don't really drink it.   Who doesn't love funfetti?!  It reminds me of when I was a kid and would buy funfetti icing and eat it straight from the container.  (Reason #87564 that I'm on WW).  If I can have a lighter version of this fun little cake I'm all for it.  I decided to make these for the birthday festivities tomorrow and once again used the Skinnytaste light cream cheese frosting.  Pretty it up with some colored sugar and voila! Lazy girl baking at it's finest.

I might have already eaten 2 tonight........

Running motivation

Taking it up a notch

Weight on Friday WI: 157.6

It's been awhile...I've really just been super lazy and haven't felt like posting anything.  I'm still maintaining, which is good considering I've had 2 weekends in a row that I just didn't care what I ate.  I had a 0.4 gain on Friday.  It's weird, I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm not trying to LOSE anymore.  I know that in maintenance I'm going to both gain and lose here and there but seeing the scale go up, even a little bit, makes me stabby. 

BUT I decided to take my running to the next level...I signed up for a half marathon on Oct 7th! Eek!  It's the Tyler Rose half marathon.  I had orginally planned on running the 5k with the bestie and cousin.  But I found out that my employer is a sponsor of the race and would pay the entry fee.  I went back and forth about it for awhile.  I said I was going to do it but it took me awhile to actually sign up.  I knew once I signed up I would have to start hard core training.  I could get away with not training for a 5k but there's no way I could do a half without preparing.  But I sucked it up last week and signed up and officially started training.  I decided on loosely following Hal Higdon's training schedule which is basically 1 long run and 2 shorter runs a week and the long run's distance increases each week.  I'm up to 5 miles so far.  I know that I more than likely won't be able to run the whole thing and I'm prepared to walk a little bit.  But just actually finishing will be something that I would have never in a million years imagined I'd do.  Something to cross off my bucket list.

This was the absolute best weekend I've had in a very long time.  The bestie came down to stay with me and we all had a girls night last night.  We went to see Magic Mike, which honestly was kind of a beating and I would have rather watched it with no sound, and then to Julian's for dinner and drinks.  A few drinks and some good conversation later 3 of the girls decided they wanted to go get a tattoo.  So we loaded up with the boys and headed across town.  Erin and I walked across the street to Posado's to get a margarita while we were waiting.  Such a good night!  Then today was lazy pool day with a yummy lunch of deli style sandwiches. I actually mustered up enough confidence to wear a triangle bikini top to the pool.  My tummy hadn't seen sunlight since I was 17!  Everybody swore it looked good on me so I decided to say f it and just do it.  It's been such a fun weekend and I'm really not wanting it to end.

                                                                  Me and Batman!

30 something

I officially turned 30 this past Monday.  I wasn't looking forward to the number but I sure as hell was looking forward to my fun filled weekend and mini vacay from work.  It definitely did not disappoint!

I was counting down the hours at work on Friday 6/29 until I could leave at 2.  The hubs picked me up and we headed to Forney.  One change of clothes later and we're picking up my BFF and heading to get my tattoo! Even though this is my 3rd tat, I was starting to get a little nervous.  It hurt a little but I definitely love my hearts!

After my tattoo the hubs, BFF and I headed to Ojedas for some dinner and famous swirl margaritas.  Erin wasn't lying about them....I had one and hello I'm buzzed.  Definitely a good time with good conversation.



Saturday was spent preparing for my luau party.  It ended up being a blast...family and friends, just what I wanted.  If I'm being 100% honest, I was hoping for more people to come out but we seriously had the best time.  Thank you so much to everyone, especially Michael and Erin for all they did to host and prepare for it.

Sunday was a lazy recovery day then on Monday, my actual birthday, the hubs and I headed to Run On Dallas to finally get me fitted for my running shoes!  I was overly excited for this.  I ended up with an awesome pair of Asics. Then it was time for sushi! Mmm....I could for reals eat sushi every day, its my absolute fav.  We ate and then it was time to head back to East Texas.  It was an amazing weekend!

I didn't track a damn thing until today either! I ate like a crazy person...I enjoyed myself over the weekend but actually ended up going overboard once we got back to Tyler.  Buffalo Wild Wings and Taco Bueno in the same day?!  That's a little ridic.  I felt gross and bloated all week and was prepared for my massive gain today.  I actually ended up only gaining 1.2 lbs which I'll totally take after all the food I shoved in my face this past week. I'm still 1.2 lbs under my goal weight so I think I'll be okay.  I only ran twice last week too...but my new Asics are fabulous!  They really do make all the difference.  But I'm back OP today and I feel in control. 

It was a great week, 2 days back at work, and hello weekend! 

Progress Picture

So it's no secret that I'm not exactly very technically saavy.  That's Michael's dept around here...he is super smart with computers and has actually built his last three. 


That being the reason that it's taken me this long to get a side by side before and after picture of my weight loss journey. But I finally discovered Picasa that seems to be pretty user friendly.


So voila!  The before pic is when I believe I was at my heaviest.  I wasn't exactly weighing myself a lot those days (there wasn't a scale in our house).  The after was Saturday June 23, 2012.

Back again...hopefully to stay

Weigh in today: 157.4   -2.0 lbs from last week

Holla! I finally made it back down to my original goal weight.  Only took about a month to lose 4 lbs but whatevs.  Because this time I know it was all me and not because I was on "salt reducing" pills.   2 weeks ago I decided to change my goal weight to 159 lbs.  That seemed more manageable and will be okay if I bounce around like 2 or 3 lbs from that. 

So I guess I'm officially back on maintenance again!  I'm trying things a little different this time...I manually set my daily points on WW to 31 instead of the default 34.  Then on MFP I set it to 1700 cals instead of 1920 or whatever their default is.  So maybe my body won't have this big shock of eating so much more and me have a massive gain next week like my first go round with maint.  I'll just have to wait and see and realize that it might take awhile for me to figure out what works.

Because duh.....I have to be in top form next weekend, it's my birthday bash weekend!  I am beyond excited about this and I hope I'm not building it up too much in my head.  Next week at work will be the looooongest week ever until I clock out at 2pm on Friday.  Margaritas and tattoo on Friday night, big luau party on Saturday night, then hopefully a fabulous lunch just me and the hubs at Mr Sushi on Monday for my actual birthday. Since my vacation days at work are seriously lacking, this is the only "vacation" I'm gonna get this year so I'm damn sure going to enjoy my 3 days away from there.


I never know how to end these posts.....Love Kristi? I'm not 12 and this isn't my diary?

Learning to love the old me

Weigh in: 159.4   -2.4 lbs from last week

Okay I'm over my woe is me mood from last week! I think it was just because I was sick and other "womanly" factors getting to me.  Plus I'm back on the losing track and running my longest distances yet.  Tuesday I ran my first 5k without having to stop and walk.  Yesterday I had to stop and walk a few times, for only about a minute each, but I ran my longest distance yet- about 3.5 miles.  We'll see how I do tomorrow...I'm just NOT a morning runner.  My endurance seems to at its best in the afternoons.

So we got into a good discussion today with my boardie friends on the Relationship thread.  We were talking about compulsive eating habits, binges, and hiding or sneaking food.  It got me thinking about my past and current food behaviors.  I never really struggled with my weight growing up or in high school.  Like most high school girls, I was convinced I was fat when I really wasn't.  In fact my high school weight ended up being my WW goal weight.  I was very active in high school- playing volleyball and basketball and running track.  I was active enough that I could eat whatever I wanted.  Once I got into college the scale slowly started to creep up year by year.  I was working on my feet all day at the grocery store (shout out 4th and Slide!) so I really think that kept me from gaining fast.  Because it sure wasn't my eating or drinking habits!  I was drinking at least 5 nights and week and most of those nights would end with a trip to the Whataburger drive thru, or a 3am run to IHOP, or to get a burrito at Josie's.  By my senior year...I was starting to notice and it was starting to bug me.  But in a purely superficial way of course.  Why wouldn't the guys at the bar hit on me?? Why do they talk to my friends and buy them drinks but act like I'm not here? This shouldn't have mattered because they weren't exactly quality guys anyway but it bothered me.  I remember getting Taco Bell for lunch pretty frequently and bringing it back home.  It would irritate me so much if my male roommates were home and sitting on the couch when I got back with my nachos bell grande and 2 gorditas.  I didn't want them to see me with so much food...like they even cared.

Then I graduated in 2006, dated a guy for a year....one big hot mess later I was back in Dallas working at my first real live desk job.  With my ass firmly planted in a chair for 8 hours a day my weight shot up like crazy.  Michael and I started dating at the end of 2007 and then of course I put on my "comfortable" weight.  I was at my highest weight at our wedding.  I try not to look back at wedding photos and be ashamed...it was a great day! It was an amazing day filled with family, friends, and love.  But I can't help but see in my eyes that I didn't feel as beautiful as a bride should on her wedding day.  I really do have the most amazing husband...the woman I am in his eyes has never changed, no matter what weight I am.

  I honestly think my rock bottom was going to the doctor in April of last year and her telling me I was overweight. I was 219lbs then and I knew I was..but nobody ELSE had ever said it to me. I always got the "yeah but you're so tall". It felt like a swift kick in the ass to have another person tell me to my face that I needed to lose.  

So I did....lose 60 lbs.  I wish that I could embrace the bigger me and I really am trying.  She's still Kristi....still has the same eyes, nose, laugh, sense of humor.  But at the same time I couldn't wait to get rid of her..and I'm afraid of going back to her.  I know she's still in there and I struggle to keep her contained. 

Remember that magical day....

that I met my goal weight?  Because it's just a memory now.  My weight this morning... 161.8.  Really?!  But I'm not surprised.  My longest cold ever that I talked about last week?  It's still hanging on for dear life and earned me a doctor visit yesterday.  Turns out it's a sinus infection and bronchitis! Yay! :/ So I've pretty much been knocked on my ass these last few days.  At the grocery store yesterday waiting for my meds to get filled I decided some greasy, sodium filled Chinese food from the Wok was just what I needed the day before a weigh in + I haven't worked out since Tuesday=  a 1lb gain. 

I'm trying hard to not be so depressing on this blog post...but it's hard tonight.  I don't feel good, I feel beyond discouraged that I'm still gaining weight, plus I'm really bummed about my lack of friends here in Tyler.  I have some great friends at work and honestly I'm not sure why we never do anything outside of work.  I would love a group of girlfriends here that we could do some patio sitting and drinking.  I'm not in college anymore...where do I meet these friends??? 

I dunno...I just feel like I'm in a rut.  I need something to shake things up and to have some fun.  I'm soooooooooo ready for my birthday weekend to get here.  I'm getting some margaritas and a wrist tattoo with my bestie on Friday night then 30th bday luau on Sat!

I'm getting the one in the middle on the bottom row.

This has been your weekly blog post from Debbie Downer.

Longest.cold.ever

So yeah...I'm bored out of my mind right now.  This little cold I picked up on Monday has now settled in my chest and coughing is well...pretty gross.  I need to venture into town and get some Mucinex.  Also some Panera...I've never been and there is a newish one in Tyler.  I have perused their menu and definitely decided that's what I'm having for dinner since the hubs is at the 2nd job.  Already know what I'm getting and the PP+ figured out as well.  You Pick Two with cup of broccoli cheese soup and half an Asian Sesame salad.  YUM...okay I might not make it to dinnertime.

But mainly, I wanna run!!  I hate that this damn cold is keeping me from working out.  I sucked it up and went running last night.  I didn't make it very far before I felt like an elephant was stampeding on my chest, about 2 miles I think.  Not sure since I had to keep stopping and walking.  It crossed my mind for a hot second to get up this morning and run before it got to be 175 degrees outside in my fair East Texas.  But yeah..I woke up at 10:30 feeling like death warmed over. I ate breakfast and had some coffee and have finally started feeling halfway human again.  But it's now 1:32pm and a very humid 88 degrees out there.   I might possibly just head into town and go to my former gym and pay the money for a day pass to run on their indoor track...if I can steer the Mustang away from Panera long enough.

I love running outside around my neighborhood.  We live on Lake Palestine and it's always so peaceful out here.   This little cutie started following me one Saturday about a month ago when I was running.  He followed me around my route 3 times and then back to my house.  After I went inside he disappeared and I haven't seen him again. :( I think he went back to his own house down on the water.

Fail....or not

Well my first week of maintainence....did NOT go so well!  UGH.  I weighed in this morning and was up 3.4 lbs.  I had been expecting it for a few days but it was still really discouraging to see.  What caused me to gain 3 freakin lbs in a week?!


My friends, in real life and my WW boardie friends, have all told me to chill the hell out.  I'm eating more and I need a few weeks to figure out how this whole thing works.  Also I ran out of hydrochlorithorizide (sp?) officially this week.  Funny..I got put on them for my blood pressure when I was overweight.  Now I almost depend on them to help keep the excess salt out of my body- ie no bloating.  Now that I'm  not overweight and don't have BP problems, I don't need them anymore.  Bring on the water weight! Blah.  I also managed to catch myself a nasty little cold or sinus infection or something this week.  I missed a day of work on Tuesday because my throat hurt so bad and my head was about to explode.  So I've been downing the cold meds too.   Anyhoo....my boardie friends told me that it's more than likely a false gain and to give myself a few weeks to settle down and figure things out.  Lots of factors happened this week to show a gain on the scale that should go away...so they say.


I listened to them...for a day.  This morning I reset MFP and WW both back to "lose" and also changed my goal weight to 155 lbs.  I tell myself that if I bounce around between 155-160, I'll be okay with that.  But will I really??  I absolutely hate that I let that stupid scale get the best of me.  I was seriously depressed last night about this.  WHY?  It's dumb. I let my fear of maintaining already change my mind and set me back to losing again.  I can't just continue to lose weight!  I recognize this is a problem but I sure haven't changed it.  I felt more in control today when I only ate 31 points (3 activity points included) and 1450 cals.  I didn't feel like I was just floundering around.  I guess that's the control freak in me...it's now spilled over into my WLJ too.


Now I'm not going to kid myself...I didn't exactly stay OP all this week.  I had fun with food and beverages this past Sat, enjoyed some kick ass chicken fajitas on Wed, then my wonderful hubby brought me home this when I was home sick:

Oh.my.stars....stuff like this is what I miss from 60 lbs ago.

I might change my mind later on this week...if this so called water weight comes off.  But first I think I need to take a long hard look at why I let the numbers on the scale affect me so much. 

I hate to end on such a negative note!  So here's my dog Max.  He makes me happy!



The day I've been waiting for?

After almost exactly a year, I stepped on the scale this morning to see it.....my goal weight. I had gone over this moment in my head many, many times. Would I jump up and down and scream? Would I start crying out of happiness? 61 total lbs lost! My blood, sweat, and tears; everybody come look!

Well turns out it didn't live up to the drama I had created in my head. I said to Michael "hey babe guess what? The scale says 157.4!" He says "congratulations." Then we left the house and went to work.

Don't get me wrong...I am excited. I've worked hard at my WLJ this year. Trying to lose weight isn't a new thing for me, this is just the first time I've accomplished it. I've changed my eating habits and workouts more times than I can count, stayed OP then fell off the wagon for a few days, felt like throwing in the towel. I felt that happiness in my stomach when I saw that magic number. But the fear I had started feeling about 10 lbs ago came barging in with it. How in the hell am I going to maintain this weight?! I only know how to gain and lose...not maintain. If I start eating more or don't workout 5 times a week, is it all going to come back?! How many calories and points do I need to eat, APs I need to earn to stay this way? The fear of going back to the old me is enough to keep me on the losing side forever....not a healthy mindset but the truth nontheless.

So...I think I have my inspiration for this blog. Lots of people have a blog documenting their weight loss....I'm choosing to document what I think will be hardest for me, the maintainence. My experiences with running and working towards more 5ks and eventually a 10k, the gains and losses on the scale, the food and cooking experiments, and all the emotions in between. Learning how to just be me.

Here goes nothing!!

Self portrait comparison time!

This is me back in 2010

Here I am at a graduation party on 5/12/2012